emsiecat
July 5th, 2008, 10:31 pm
Yeah like the title says, just a random rant.
Not trying to go all emo and self pitying on you all, but just something that's been niggling at me for the last three damn years or so now, and is finally starting to really effect how I act and think.
Have any of you at any time felt utterly useless and pathetic? Not in an emotional sense as such, but in a knowledge and ability sense?
For a long time now I've felt this way almost every freaking day and it's starting to piss me off and upset me. It seems that no matter what I do I always manage to screw things up somehow. Whether it's a task at work, spelling, knowledge, common sense, or heck even a conversation! Even if I try my hardest at something it's never quite good enough for my own standards or anyone elses.
For many years I've been trying to find my talent, something I'm good at, something that I shine and excel in... I'm STILL waiting to see what that is.
My art is mediocre at best compared to others, my writing skills are okay but nothing special, my grades are average I suppose (I hear about all these straight A people and turn green with envy), and my common sense is way way below par, go figure.
It seems no matter how hard I try I just never make it to the top. It's starting to make me paranoid. For example I'm continually nervous at work, so used to seeing all my colleagues do well that I'm terrified I'm going to mess up and lose my job, and thus such nervousness DOES make me screw up frequently, it's a vicious circle. Even my boss said the other day: Whenever you pick up the phone you sound positively terrified, what's wrong?
I'm scared stiff of making a mistake that's what's wrong!
I try and say something smart or intelligent and by sods law I either spell it wrong, someone already knew the fact, or completely disagrees with me and it knocks my confidence. People say I don't have enough life skills and it makes me feel like a fucking moron, which in turn leads me to being paranoid, making more mistakes and indeed looking like a retard in the knowledgable eyes of others.
I used to think I was quite smart at school, heck my friends and teachers said I was smart! But now I just feel like an idiot with a sieve for a brain!
I look around me and see confident successful people and just feel like: What the heck am I here for? Everyone else seems to be living their lives better than me and with less mess ups, so what am I supposed to do? What am I good at in life?
Anyway to cut a long story relatively short: I feel like I'm a bit of a moron and needed to rant and see if anyone else feels the same.
Thanks.
Not trying to go all emo and self pitying on you all, but just something that's been niggling at me for the last three damn years or so now, and is finally starting to really effect how I act and think.
Have any of you at any time felt utterly useless and pathetic? Not in an emotional sense as such, but in a knowledge and ability sense?
For a long time now I've felt this way almost every freaking day and it's starting to piss me off and upset me. It seems that no matter what I do I always manage to screw things up somehow. Whether it's a task at work, spelling, knowledge, common sense, or heck even a conversation! Even if I try my hardest at something it's never quite good enough for my own standards or anyone elses.
For many years I've been trying to find my talent, something I'm good at, something that I shine and excel in... I'm STILL waiting to see what that is.
My art is mediocre at best compared to others, my writing skills are okay but nothing special, my grades are average I suppose (I hear about all these straight A people and turn green with envy), and my common sense is way way below par, go figure.
It seems no matter how hard I try I just never make it to the top. It's starting to make me paranoid. For example I'm continually nervous at work, so used to seeing all my colleagues do well that I'm terrified I'm going to mess up and lose my job, and thus such nervousness DOES make me screw up frequently, it's a vicious circle. Even my boss said the other day: Whenever you pick up the phone you sound positively terrified, what's wrong?
I'm scared stiff of making a mistake that's what's wrong!
I try and say something smart or intelligent and by sods law I either spell it wrong, someone already knew the fact, or completely disagrees with me and it knocks my confidence. People say I don't have enough life skills and it makes me feel like a fucking moron, which in turn leads me to being paranoid, making more mistakes and indeed looking like a retard in the knowledgable eyes of others.
I used to think I was quite smart at school, heck my friends and teachers said I was smart! But now I just feel like an idiot with a sieve for a brain!
I look around me and see confident successful people and just feel like: What the heck am I here for? Everyone else seems to be living their lives better than me and with less mess ups, so what am I supposed to do? What am I good at in life?
Anyway to cut a long story relatively short: I feel like I'm a bit of a moron and needed to rant and see if anyone else feels the same.
Thanks.